Thursday, September 4, 2014

Opinion: Top 5 Ridiculous Episode VII Rumors


By: David Gremillion
Show host for "Get Your Geek On"

Behold the wonders of the New Millennia! We have Netflix, cell phones that can access the Internet, and an instant overreaction to the most absurd rumors writers can conjure. Let's take a look at five of the most over-the-top rumors to hit the web and whip fans into a frenzy.

5. Palpatine isn’t dead. Every time someone shows me this, I always think of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. You know, that scene with the guy constantly saying “I’m not dead!”

Yeah, this rumor is just as funny.

Let’s break down the number of things wrong with this rumor. First, remember that burst of blue energy when Palpatine died? Yeah, he didn’t do that because he felt like it. But let’s assume JJ Abrams will work out some clever scheme as to what that energy was. I mean, maybe he let out an ENORMOUS blast of lightning to stop his descent. I mean, it isn’t like the Death Star explodes afterwards.


But let’s assume that Palpatine survived the fall AND the explosion from a space station one-fourth the size of our own moon. Even then, our dear Emperor has to get past that pesky vacuum of space. Palpatine would lose consciousness within twenty seconds and be dead within one minute at most. He's no longer a dreaded Sith Lord, he's a Palpsicle. 

4. Harrison Ford’s injury. Technically not a rumor, but still an example of rampant stupidity, the reports of Ford’s injury were so overblown that the collective IQ of anyone buying into them dropped ten points. Earlier this year, Han Solo hurt himself on the set of Episode VII. Within a couple of days, “journalists” were reporting the following:

-          Ford’s leg was “crushed”.
-          Both bones in his leg were broken in several places.
-          Ford broke his hip.
-          Ford had pelvic damage.
-          Ford had to be evacuated to a hospital in the USA, not the UK.
-          Ford was out of action for six months.
-          The cast demanded shooting of the movie be stopped until a full safety inspection.
-          The release date would be bumped until May of 2016.
-          The movie was dead in its tracks…indefinitely.

After all this nonsense that the World of Instant Media gave us, it turns out Harrison Ford broke his ankle and was fine within a couple of weeks.  One month after the incident, he was seen walking around without assistance. Overreaction seems to be the new norm.

      3. Han is piloting a Super Star Destroyer. Don’t get me wrong, the idea of Han Solo at the helm of one of the most awesome ships in the history of Star Wars sounds like a kickass idea…right up until you think about just who Han Solo is. He’s a rogue, he’s a smuggler, and he flies the fastest hunk of junk in the galaxy. 

Now imagine him sitting on the cavernous bridge of a slow moving, spotless, pristine, capital ship that can’t turn around in less than twelve parsecs. Isn’t that what we all want to see? Forget that incredible flying we saw in the Asteroid Scene of Empire Strikes Back. Forget him screaming  toward the Death Star and shouting“Yahoo!” Nope, now he’s just creeping along in something nearly twelve miles in length. Doesn’t that just sound exciting?

Personally, I’d think we'd all fall asleep from the boredom, Han included.  

2. Sith Witches will resurrect Darth Vader to help rebuild the Sith Empire. Do I need to get into just how crazy this truly is? Where were these Sith Witches during the Original Trilogy? Why didn’t they intervene before? Of all the characters to bring back, why Vader and not Palpatine? Why hadn’t they tried to resurrect someone before? Having a second Death Star was bad enough, but recycling villains? Pass.

1. Luke’s hand floating through space, still gripping his lost lightsaber. Do people not understand how space works? We've had decades of semi-realistic space movies to show us that the vacuum of space is not kind to organic material. Allegedly (so the rumor goes), after Luke lost his hand and saber to Vader on Cloud City, it tumbled through space and ended up on another world.

I believe the expression is: “lol…wut?”

Let’s assume, for the briefest of moments, that Luke’s hand didn’t lose all muscle control. It still fell to the bottom of Cloud City, not another planet. Let’s assume again, that it somehow made its way out of Cloud City. It still would fall toward Bespin, not be sucked into the vacuum of space. But let’s assume, again, that the hand didn’t lose muscle control, didn’t get stuck in Cloud City, and didn’t fall toward Bespin. It still would NEVER SURVIVE re-entry into another planet’s atmosphere. The suspension of disbelief on this one is stretched so thin LeAnn Rimes could hide behind it.

The Internet is the ultimate freedom of speech and expression. You can literally put anything you want out there any time you want. I didn't even get into the pure absurd rumors such as Kristen Stewart appearing in the movie, Zurg appearing in Season Seven of The Clone Wars, or Tommy Wiseau directing a spin-off movie. The Internet provides everything you could possibly want, all need to do is provide a little common sense every now and then before you go screaming on Facebook, Twitter, or Reddit. 

This article is an opinion piece and represents the views of the writer, and not the entire Star Wars Underworld organization.

Follow The Star Wars Underworld on Twitter @TheSWU for more updates about this story and other breaking Star Wars news.


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